Verd ori'shya beskar'gam. Haat, Ijaa, tor...

So last night was the first night I've gone jogging in quite some time. For the past three months or so, I've been playing racquetball so I've been able to skip jogging. I much prefer this seeing as how racquetball is a lot of fun and I'm not consciously thinking of getting exercise while playing. With jogging, I know that the only reason I'm doing it is for exercise. Anyways, what's interesting to me is that, I actually enjoyed jogging last night. It was a nice night. There was a cool but not overpowering breeze blowing. It was nice to just be able to think about all the different things happening right now in my life and trying to make sense of them. It felt good to have that alone time which is also humorous considering the fact that I wanted to go out and drink two days ago for feeling/being alone. I think I ended up jogging about 5 miles last night. Unfortunately, not all good things come without a price. I injured my knee again. I've been prescribed anti-inflammatory pills though so I took a couple last night and my knee is feeling better this morning. One thing puzzles me further...if I had such a good jog last night, how come I couldn't sleep? I tossed and turned all night. What was still left undone?

So the x-rays of my knee came back negative this morning. I've been prescribed some anti-inflammatory pills that should hopefully heal it. However, if it doesn't heal within a couple weeks, there is a good chance that I will need an MRI. I'm really hoping it doesn't come down to that because I definitely don't have that kind of money. Of course I got the whole "stay off of it for a while" speech, but unfortunately, that's a luxury (or a curse really) that I don't have.

I am going to REALLY REALLY enjoy getting absolutely shit faced a week from today. I thought about getting a hotel room just for that night, but its like $300 for one freaking night. Screw that. I will take my chances on the roads. Nothing like drinking for all the wrong reasons...SLEINTE EVERYONE!!!

And you neglected I called you out don't please
I said we're stronger than this now
You resurrected mistakes years past it seemed
And they exist to still haunt you

And still you feel like the loneliness
Is better replaced by this
I don't believe it this way
And I can see the fear in your eyes
I've seen it materialize
Growing stronger each day

I could see it as you turned to stone
Still clearly I can hear you say
Don't leave, don't give up on me
Two weeks and you ran away
I remember don't lie to me
You couldn't see that it was not that way
Swear I never gave up on you

I wanted nothing but for that trust again
And brick by brick you would take it
You feared of phantoms and none exist but you
You still saw fit to destroy it

And still you feel like the loneliness
Is better replaced by this
I don't believe it this way
And I can see the fear in your eyes
I've seen it materialize
Growing stronger each day

I could see it as you turned to stone
Still clearly I can hear you say
Don't leave don't give up on me
Two weeks and you ran away
I remember don't lie to me
You couldn't see that it was not that way
Swear I never gave up on you

And you neglected I called you out don't please
I said we're stronger than this now
You feared of phantoms and none exist but you
You still saw fit to destroy it

And I can see the fear in your eyes
I've seen it materialize
Growing stronger each day

I could see it as you turned to stone
Still clearly I can hear you say
Don't leave don't give up on me
Two weeks you ran away

I could see it as you turned to stone
Still clearly I can hear you say
Don't leave don't give up on me
Two weeks and you ran away
I remember don't lie to me
You couldn't see that it was not that way
Swear I never gave up on you

You said we would go to a movie sometime...
You said I could go run errands with you that day...
You said we could go out to lunch...
You said I could come over and we would watch a movie...
You said I could spend the night...
You said you would go to the concert with me...
You said you would go to a hockey game with me...
You said it was only for two weeks...
You said I could come visit you in England...
You asked me if I would move in with you...
You said it was the last time...
You promised you would make time for me...

Despite all of the broken promises and things left undone, there is only one thing that you said that seems to matter at all:

You told me that you loved me...and that makes all the difference. Knowing that, I will wait with open arms, hoping that one day all of these things will come true.

It really sucks being 24 and not knowing where my life is going or what I want...I've had no luck with any co-ops or internships this semester. I just sent my resume to two more locations today. With no luck in the job market, that leaves me with two options: 1) go back to school for ANOTHER masters program, or 2) enlist in the military. I've started looking for recruiter sites today, and probably will go speak with one sometime during this semester. I want to see my options regarding that. If I decide to do another graduate program, I'm leaning towards a masters in optics, specifically focusing on electro-optics. I met with someone within the department today in order to get some information.

For once, there IS one thing that I know I want. Rather, it's not a thing, but SOMEONE. I want Lee back, I want to hold her in my arms again so badly. We've talked about it so much lately, talked about how things will be so wonderful this time around. I was supposed to visit her in England this week and next, but unfortunately she was sent home by her company. I say "unfortunately" because I really wanted to travel and see something beyond this damn city, but it's not unfortunate. I'm so relieved to have her back home, not just for my sake, but hers as well. I was hoping that we would get to spend some time together while she was home, but so far, that hasn't been the case. I've feared that her job would consume all of her time, and so far it has.

I think I'm battling some depression right now with not being able to see her. I've eaten all day today, even when I wasn't hungry. I've also slept in the afternoon for the past three days...something I rarely do. I took this week off of work, just in case she had some free time for me. I think I really needed the week off. I really need her.

It's odd...but I felt closer to her when she was 5,000 miles away in another country than when she is 20 miles away in the same city. I guess that's just because we talked so much for so long while she was there, and we just haven't found the time to do that here. I'm really hoping we can find time to spend together. I love her, I always have. I really want us to give it another try. This time, I WILL be the man she needs, the man she deserves!

Yesterday I went to Tampa and saw Riverdance. Wow! What a fantastic show. I was expecting just traditional Irish step dancing,which I would have been happy with, but, instead, I was pleasantly treated to so much more. This included some fantastic singing, flamenco and blues step numbers, and some delightful instrumental solos, the most powerful of which, for me, was "Caoineadh Cu Chulainn" on the Uilleann pipes. Needless to say, the show did not disappoint in the least. It was an experience that I would like to do again. Lord of the Dance will be in West Palm Beach in April and I'm heavily considering buying tickets to see it. I think it would be well worth the drive.

Erin Go Bragh!!!

OK, here is my list of things to do:

1) Get birth certificate.
2) Go to the courthouse and submit papers for a passport.
3) Go to UCF and request copies of official transcript.
4) While at UCF, speak with professors about assignment load during the weeks of February; try to get assignments early.
5) Pray that I get my passport relatively soon. (skepticism is high on this one)
6) Attempt to pick a good week during February to travel to England.
7) Attempt to convince work to give me a week off for a vacation (skepticism is even higher on this one); no telling how far I will go if they tell me "no".
8) Travel to England and have the time of my life for a week.
9) Get back to the States and go back to the same old crap of work, school, and trying for new jobs...but I won't care, cause I just spent a wonderful week in England.

Tomorrow: racquetball w/ Sean at 5:30pm...HELL YEA!!!

I slept like absolute crap last night. I had a bad dream and I feel like I'm stuck in limbo after the last words I read before I closed my eyes to try and sleep. The weather today just seems to compliment the mood perfectly- dreary and rainy. Jeans are ridiculously expensive now a days...$120 for 3 damn pairs of Levis and that's with a sale going on. Give me a break. Nothing new in the job department. Turns out the company that was gonna hire me was bought out by Lockheed Martin...guess that would explain the reason for the hiring freeze they put on. Maybe I'll have some luck with co-ops this semester. Seems to be a really interesting one out in Research Park- military simulation stuff. w00t! I really don't want to go to work tonight. Hopefully it will be relatively easy night. My 2nd class still isn't up and running yet. I'm thinking about going to see Lord of the Dance in April. I'd have to drive to West Palm Beach though. We'll see. I need to look into obtaining a passport. God I love this band...

Ever since 9/11 I've seen an increase in the amount of homes that fly the American flag outside. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am fully in support of that. Frankly, I love seeing it. But, only if it's done correctly. Believe it or not, there are regulations on when and how to display it. If you are going to do it, please, do it right. Here are a couple links that discuss proper flag etiquette:

American Flag Display Etiquette
http://www.designsbytots.com/vfw3016/FLAG-REG.HTML

Flag Rules and Regulations:
http://www.ushistory.org/BETSY/flagetiq.html

I'd have to say that the top two violations I see daily are these:

1) Flag flown after sundown - The flag should only be displayed from sunrise to sunset UNLESS it is properly illuminated. On a side note, it should not be displayed in inclement weather either, unless it is an all-weather flag.

2) The flag should be properly disposed of when it is worn or damaged - I see this ALL the time. Tattered and ripped flags on display (especially at car dealerships). If a flag is damaged, it should be ceremoniously disposed of.

Now, there is another violation I see, more so than any other, and that is the American flag on disposable items. Technically, the flag should not be present on any items that are expected to be temporary in use. However, this is a sign of the times, and I understand that. I, myself, am in violation of this as I have some t-shirts with the flag printed on them.

Please, continue to honor America and show your patriotism. But, please, make sure that you are doing it in the correct manner.

My parents keep asking me what I want for Christmas and are getting frustrated cause I don't give them any ideas. So here you go Mom and Dad...here is my Christmas list this year:

1) Straight A's in Grad School
2) A REAL job. Some place I actually enjoy working
3) Someone special I can kiss and celebrate Christmas with
4) My best friend back in town so I have someone to hang out with
5) A trip away from this God forsaken town

There it is. Good luck finding those things in the department stores or fitting them underneath the Christmas tree.

I'm still here...waiting to hear your voice. I hope I will again someday.

It's been almost a month.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe in God.

It really hit me hard a week ago when I was driving in the car with my friend, Patricia. Just hearing her talk to her boyfriend on the phone, hearing the amount of love and affection she had in her voice, it made me wish I had someone to talk to me like that. I'm lonely. I want someone to hold again. Someone that I can share something special with. I miss real hugs. I miss being able to kiss someone. It just feels like there is a big part of me missing right now.

It's hard though when all of your friends think your being foolish and making a mistake. "If she cared about you, she would make an effort to see you." "Don't get involved." I think the ones who say they support me are just saying what I want to hear. Deep down, I think they feel different. I feel like I have to believe though; have to hold on right now. But for how long? I think I truly want to say "As long as it takes." It's interesting how one thing can affect so many of the decisions you make...

Like a cold Summer afternoon
Like the snow coming down in June
Like a wedding without a groom
I'm missing you
I'm the desert without the sand
You're the woman without a man
I'm the ring without a hand
I'm missing you

I went to CityWalk tonight. Visited our spot. It felt empty without you there.

So I figured I would just post a random journal entry since I haven't done so in a while.

An interesting thing happened to me the other day. For my Applied Research Methods class we are required to select a grant opportunity from a real agency and write a research proposal for it. In a way, it's similar to a senior design project, but with no actual fabrication. I chose one calling for an Advanced Night Vision System (ANVS) for urban operations. My professor liked the idea and gave me the green light. So, the first thing I figured was that since I have so many military contacts, I can get some good information about what needs to be improved. Anyways, our Project Summary/Abstract was due yesterday. I was stressing over it because it was a 1 page paper that describes the goal of the project, its technical merit, and broader impacts to society. I wrote a rough draft on Tuesday and brought it into my professor so he could look over it. I saw a sample of one of his and thought that there is no freaking way I can write this well. He looked over my paper and said that it was more well written than most of the ones that are actually going for the grants for real. I was shocked to say the least lol. Also, he said that he wants me to seriously consider applying for the grant once the semester is over. In addition, he is now going to invite members from General Dynamics to attend our presentations at the end of the year. In short, I was extremely surprised and happy to hear him say all of this, but now I feel an extra burden to do this incredible job. We'll see how it goes.

I'm really excited because I may be going to Disney tomorrow. And it makes that statement so much better when the words "for free" are added to the end of it. I hope it works out. Even if it doesn't, it will be nice because a friend of mine is in town visiting that I haven't seen in almost a year.

I'm trying to seriously get back into bowling again. I feel that the one year I bowled for UCF was such a bad experience that it sucked my passion for bowling out of me. I want to go back to my high school days where I was bowling 4-5 times a week at different centers around Orlando. I went bowling at Semoran Lanes on Monday. Last night I bowled a couple games with Jon at Boardwalk. I shot 215 and 226 which felt incredible. I even split with Jon which made me happy.

Speaking of Semoran Lanes, I may start working there soon. My old manager, Scott, is there now and I really liked working for him. Also, they are looking for a mechanic and their head mechanic said he is really looking forward to me putting in an application. He said he can get me around the same number of hours and same pay that I'm getting at Winter Park so that would be nice. No more 15 hour days on Saturday and Sunday. No more having to babysit everyone else at the front desk. Also, its about half the distance to my house as Winter Park is. All in all, I haven't been able to find a downside to this yet. Before I submit my application, though, I found out that United Space Alliance will be giving a presentation on campus next Thursday. They are looking to fill 20 internship spots. I want to see if I can land something with them first. Then maybe I can work for Semoran part time.

Lastly, I'm doing pretty well with my weight loss program. I've lost about twenty pounds so I'm sitting at around 188. I'd like to get down to about 170, then build up muscle. I'm actually starting to like what I see in the mirror. It's a good feeling.

HOCKEY STARTS UP NEXT WEEK! GO PENS!!!

May The Force Be With You

...I just found out that the program I received my bachelor's degree in is, in fact, NOT accredited...four and a half years and not one faculty member said anything. A non-accredited degree is just useless.

...I was not considered for any of the internships I applied for.

...Graduate school is slow and mundane. I don't know how much this is going to help me.

...Work is just horrible. I try my hardest to go in with a good attitude, but all I find is disappointment. I hate my job.

...I don't think I will ever see her again. Maybe it's my own fault. Things that I said recently. Was it too much? Too soon? Maybe it's fate. No, I don't believe in fate. Maybe it is because she has a life now where she is happy and successful and there is no room in it for me.

...I'm in debt. I never wanted to be. I didn't want to fall into the same trouble as so many others.

...My best friend is about to start a very successful career with the Air Force. I dreamed that would be me, too, one day. It was not to be.

...Another good friend of mine just started dating a great girl. And, he just accepted a very generous position as a systems engineer with Lockheed Martin. He will be so successful...he always has been. I look up to him. I wish I could be like him.

I just don't know why I keep getting up every morning to continue on. What drives me? I'm walking through a hurricane. It's dark. The rain stings my eyes. It soaks my clothes making them burdensome. There's nothing. Just me. Moving towards a fog. Will I get lost in it? Or will I find something unexpected? Regardless I move forward. No reason to go back. I know what is there. No sounds but my footsteps on the pavement and the howling of the wind. The wind pushes against me trying to hold me back. But back from where? I don't know what my destination is. I don't even know if I have one. I just want to walk. Just keep walking. Walk on. Despite all this, it is more comforting than walking under a clear blue sky. Sadly, or possibly ironically, it is where I feel more at home. The rain on my skin is soothing. The wind's music calms my soul. The night brings peace and stillness. Like a person who sleeps better during a thunderstorm.

What gives me strength? Family? Friends? The search for the life I've dreamed of?

What weakens me? Naivety? Failure? Wanting what I can't have?

I must learn patience. I must learn understanding. I must learn control. I must learn humility.

I must...continue on.

Another week of anxious waiting and great anticipation gone by...

One day, Russ, one day...

So I came home from a 16 hour day at work last night to find that the temperature of my house was 92 degrees. The air conditioner broke. Needless to say, it was a very restless, sheetless (but not clothesless) night trying to get to sleep.

I miss your words.

God I could really use someone to talk to. I had an absolutely horrible day today.